You think of Bingo and you think of English seaside towns in a cold summer rainstorm with miserable people wishing they’d paid a bit more and gone to the Med – going “eyes down” as there’s nothing else to do, right?
Well, fair enough perhaps for the bygone age – but today’s Bingo players are a lot more up-to-date with four million of us playing regularly online and bingo sites like the fast-growing Jackpotjoy really putting a little modern oomph into the old game.
The trouble is – the calls haven’t quite kept up with the online age. And we thought they should – so instead of “two fat ladies, 88” it should surely be, “Katie Price, two fat ladies … 88” as she has enough out front for two very fat ladies.
Alternatively, this could be a very rough guide to her age.
Then there’s “Victoria Beckham, skinny legs 11” for the emaciated Posh Spice, and perhaps “getting plenty, number 20” for Grant Bovey, partner of Anthea Turner who has allegedly been seen out and about with a girl half his age?
Then the call “did you score, 24” has to go to Hollywood actress Demi Moore, who recently ended up in hospital after having a seizure when smoking something or other. This is all the fault of her husband, Hollywood actor Ashton Kutcher, who qualifies for “up to tricks, 46”. Ashton has recently whisked his new love, Mila Kunis, off on a romantic holiday to the island of Bali. The “Two and a Half Men” actor, aged 34, is divorcing Demi, now aged 49 and trading her in for a younger model; Mila is just about to turn 29. So is Ms Moore really surprised at this development? Meanwhile “Sweet sixteen / never been kissed, 16” goes to the as yet unknown actor that Mila will leave Kutcher for a few years hence.
And saving the best for last – how about “Gateway to Heaven 27” or the alternative “Little Duck with a Crotch” for the same number – for 78 year-old US actor Fred Willard, who was recently charged with lewd conduct? Fred was allegedly caught with his meat and two veg exposed at a Hollywood theatre. So maybe “clean the floor, 54” goes to the unfortunate theatre staff? Ooh stop it!!