STOP PRESS: 306 MPs DECIDE WHETHER 62MILLION PEOPLE WANT TO ENTER EURO
Saturday, February 4, 8:28 pm
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WHAT A BRILLIANT idea! What does the man who only works on December 24th get up to for the rest of the year? Advertising agency copywriter (and gifted cartoonist) Dave Cornmell has let his fevered imagination run around this topic and come up with a bizarre selection of episodes from Santa's life. Apparently, because...
CRAG THUNDER, the world-famous survivalist and the man who once called Bear Grylls 'a girl', is facing the toughest challenge of his career. Having climbed Mount Everest single-handed TWICE and swum the length of the Amazon while dressed as Biffo the Bear, Crag came to international prominence when he jumped off the Eiffel Tower,...
THE HOUSE OF COMMONS was rocked by allegations about a politician who is suspected of telling the truth on at least one occasion. "A disgrace to our noble vocation" – Tony Blair "I hope he didn't inhale" – Bill Clinton "You couldn't make it up" – Jeffrey Archer "I'm turning in my grave"- Richard...
IN AN ACT of defiance following his recent Court appearances, the Guv of the Bank of England, Ronnie King together with his twin brother Reg have thrown caution to the wind, along with £75 billion of other people's money. Speaking at a news conference at the Blind Beggar venue in London's fashionable Whitechapel, a...
1978, Aged 16, Walthamstow college SIXTEEN YEARS young and fresh out of school. God it felt good to be alive. Pimple they called me. Das college was a bustling affair with many distractions. But to be honest the worst thing I ever tried was a Snickers Bar. No, my real passion happened one...
OUR CONFERENCE CORRESPONDENT WRITES: IN A BLISTERING attack on the rest of the World, the Home Secretary, Theresa May, told the Tory Party Conference today that nobody other than thoroughbred British people have any right to a family life in a free society. "How can anyone who is not completely British possibly merit a...
SORRY, THE DAILY MAIL misheard. That should read NOT GUILTY!
ON THE HOTTEST October day since records began Tesco predicted it would sell 3.5million sausages, 550,000 burgers and 500,000 tubs of ice cream over the weekend. And that's just in Lord Prescott and Eric Pickles' neighbourhood.
NICOLAS BENT TO pick a buttercup and handed it to Carla. Carla's heart fluttered as his fingertips touched hers. "These, my dear," said Nicoals Sarkozy, pointing to some shrubbery, "are roses tremières and those are ornithogala pyramidales." Carla's legs turned to jelly. "Blimey!" she thought in her native cockney accent which she so cunningly...
THE LATEST COMEDY double act to hit the screens has taken the nation by storm with "Two Eds Are Better Than One" blowing away audiences in Liverpool. Playing to rapturous applause from an admittedly partisan audience, Ed Miliband, the tall, ahem, good looking one without glasses joshes and banters with his straight man, the...
IT SEEMS LIKE yesterday that four spotty, ink stained schoolboys were giggling over an old Banda Machine in Shrewsbury School. Richard Ingrams, Willie Rushton, Christopher Booker and Paul Foot produced the Salopian in the mid Fifties. Once it had achieved some backing and the benefit of offset litho printing, and once the suggested name...
HOLLYWOOD ACTOR and legendary hell-raiser, Charlie Sheen has worried his friends with his increasingly erratic behaviour. Sheen's routine normally includes regular alcohol and drug abuse, marital problems and alleged domestic violence. "We're used to seeing televisions coming flying through his front windows and drug dealers arriving and leaving at all hours of day and...
Eat more and exercise less, says government
THAT'S WHAT fat people do according to government health spokesperson Brian Box, pictured left. "Studies have shown that people who eat more are fatter than people who eat less," Mr Box said at a taxpayer-subsidised conference on Fat People and What They Should Do. "Also, people who get up out of their armchairs once...
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