STOP PRESS: 306 MPs DECIDE WHETHER 62MILLION PEOPLE WANT TO ENTER EURO
Thursday, February 23, 12:08 am
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Okay, by now you might have heard the devastating and shocking news that Kim Kardashian and her NBA husband, Kris Humphries, are supposedly headed to Divorce Court. The two tied the knot in August of this year at a lavish wedding that reportedly cost millions of dollars. Well, 72 days later, the whole relationship is kaput. ...
MARK KELLY'S DOWNSIZED DICTIONARY Language can be tricky. Have you ever tried using it? What do words really mean? What do words like really really mean? The Downsized Dictionary upgrades towards a complete language which will overthrow capitalism. Or your money back. Read on…. Affordable Housing. A term which...
WHAT A BRILLIANT idea! What does the man who only works on December 24th get up to for the rest of the year? Advertising agency copywriter (and gifted cartoonist) Dave Cornmell has let his fevered imagination run around this topic and come up with a bizarre selection of episodes from Santa's life. Apparently, because...
WICHITA – Local man Dennis Love today admitted to friends and drinking buddies that he, in fact, has no idea how to play poker. This resulted in six immediate invites to poker games, hosted by each one of his friends. In each case he was advised to "bring his wallet," while Love sarcastically replied,...
YOU KNOW IT'S not f***ing easy being me. There's always some w***er trying to diss me. Yeah, well, okay I gave one to that bastard from Mont, Monto – yeah, well, that foreign country we played and those bastards in UEFA have f***ing dumped me. You'd think they knew anything about soccer. So I'll...
by Steve Holmes HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN how to tie your shoelaces? Don't worry. You are not alone. In this busy world of clouded multitasking with shiny plastic gadgets it's becoming all too easy to lose track of those essential basics without which no great leader can completely express their core and randomly distributed visions....
THAT'S WHAT fat people do according to government health spokesperson Brian Box, pictured left. "Studies have shown that people who eat more are fatter than people who eat less," Mr Box said at a taxpayer-subsidised conference on Fat People and What They Should Do. "Also, people who get up out of their armchairs once...
CRAG THUNDER, the world-famous survivalist and the man who once called Bear Grylls 'a girl', is facing the toughest challenge of his career. Having climbed Mount Everest single-handed TWICE and swum the length of the Amazon while dressed as Biffo the Bear, Crag came to international prominence when he jumped off the Eiffel Tower,...
TONY BLAIR IS the bastard who gave politics spin and made politicians almost trendy. He was always charming and smiling, ever ready to yank his tie off, ditch his jacket and roll up his shirtsleeves ready to get down and dirty when things got busy and there where plenty of cameras about. For Tony...
THE HOUSE OF COMMONS was rocked by allegations about a politician who is suspected of telling the truth on at least one occasion. "A disgrace to our noble vocation" – Tony Blair "I hope he didn't inhale" – Bill Clinton "You couldn't make it up" – Jeffrey Archer "I'm turning in my grave"- Richard...
IN AN ACT of defiance following his recent Court appearances, the Guv of the Bank of England, Ronnie King together with his twin brother Reg have thrown caution to the wind, along with £75 billion of other people's money. Speaking at a news conference at the Blind Beggar venue in London's fashionable Whitechapel, a...
Cartoonist
Muammar Gaddafi 1942-2011 R.I.H.
THE DEATH HAS been announced of Corporal Muammar Gaddafi who died peacefully after a lifetime of service to his people which was conducted with his characteristic brand of honour and dignity. He was only 38, but, worn down by the responsibilities of providing generous welfare benefits for his subjects, he resembled a nonagenarian. A...
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