NICOLAS BENT TO pick a buttercup and handed it to Carla. Carla's heart fluttered as his fingertips touched hers.

"These, my dear," said Nicoals Sarkozy, pointing to some shrubbery, "are roses tremières and those are ornithogala pyramidales."

Carla's legs turned to jelly. "Blimey!" she thought in her native cockney accent which she so cunningly disguised in speech. "He knows all about flowers!"

Carla's mind whirled back to when she was wooed by UK TV Gardening expert Alan Titchmarsh. She was madly in love except for his wonky eye which always seemed to be looking over her shoulder. And there was something missing. Carla never knew what it was but she knew she was right when she broke it off in Alan's potting shed.

"Oooh, look at that beautiful pink fuchsia," squealed Sarkozy as they approached the back entrance to the Elysée Palace.

Carla knew this was the man for her. She had been looking for a flower expert all her life. It was the most important thing in the world to her to settle down and find happiness with a man who knew all about flowers. And, oh yes, Sarkozy fitted the bill perfectly. "I must marry this man," she thought. At that mad moment, the fact that Sarkozy was a millionaire president of a major world nation was completely lost on her – for a split second. And then she remembered it and sighed. "I REALLY MUST marry this man," she said to herself.

"Would you like to see my root vegetables?" Sarkozy was saying as they approached the vegetable patch.

"This could be big," thought Carla.

Cartoons by jean Gouders

Writing by Simon Ellinas

The search for Berlusconi's brain had been going on for some years but it was only recently that Doctors could conclusively end their search.

"We were tipped off after the news that the Prime Minister had been taped crudely criticizing the sexual attractiveness of the German Chancellor. Added to all the other evidence, there was really only one place his brains could be as our X-Ray scanners confirmed."

"Oh, I always knew they were there," said a Mrs A. Merkel from Germany.

Concept and Cartoons by Jean Gouders

Words: Simon Ellinas

FOUR HUNDRED AND fifty days after the election, there's still no government in Belgium.

But they still have marvellous mussels, waffles and chips!

Cartoons by Jean Gouders

LATEST TRAVEL NEWS: Hitch hikers are well aware of all the dire warnings against the dangers of travelling the world depending on the kindness of complete strangers. You never know who you are thumbing a lift from. We all know that the world is full of psychotic, axe-wielding maniacs and that The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was a documentary.

The latest warnings, however, are to drivers venturing out on their annual pleasure trips on the road to Zimbabwe. Where else is one bloodthirsty dictator going to feel at home other than in another bloodbath-soaked regime? "Hmmm, yes. I like the atmosphere of fear here. Just like home."

Cartoons by Jean Gouders

Cartoons by Jean Gouders

FRENCH PRESIDENT NICOLAS Sarkozy AND German Chancellor, Angela Merkel were delighted yesterday when European Council President Herman Van Rompuy agreed to put his head under the guillotine, er, to be 'President' of the new Economic Government.

"We have expressed the wish that you could assume this post," the French and German leaders said, before dissolving into fits of giggles and secretly sticking a "Kick Me" sign on Van Rompuy's back.

"Well, we needed someone who could waffle on about the situation, so who better to waffle than a Belgian," said an ecstatic French spokesperson.
 

Cartoons and caricatures by Jean Gouders