MARK KELLY'S DOWNSIZED DICTIONARY

Language can be tricky. Have you ever tried using it? What do words really mean?

What do words like really really mean? The Downsized Dictionary upgrades towards

a complete language which will overthrow capitalism. Or your money back. Read on….

Affordable  Housing.   A term which has changed its point of reference from "council house" to "cardboard box".

Alienation.   The sense of being separate from society ; something we all have in common.

Astrology.   A predictive system which divides the gullible into twelve handy sections.

ATM.   A convenient device enabling bankers to sit indoors stealing your money

while you queue in the rain to get it.

Austerity  Measure.   A magic trick in which money disappears from the hands of the poor and pops up in the pockets of the rich.

"A week is a long time in politics."    Inaccurate cliche first uttered by Harold Wilson.

Anyone who has attended a Parliamentary debate knows that an hour is a very long time.

Best  Selling  Author.    Authors who place the words "best" and "selling" in front of their name.

Big  Society.    Inspiring vision of a social and economic order described in detail in the works

of Charles Dickens.

Billboard.   Legalised graffiti.

Built-In  Obsolescence.   The human condition.

Censor.   A godlike individual who is unaffected by the constant study of material which would corrupt and deprave lesser mortals.

Class  A  Drugs.   First class drugs.

Collateral  Damage.    Unnecessary deaths caused by unnecessary lives.

Exorcism.   Spiritual belief that money is the root of all evil and must be extracted.

Flexible  Labour  Market.    Economic conditions in which the workforce rolls over and takes it up the arse from the boss.

History.    Popular pastime.

"Imagine".   John Lennon sang "Imagine no possessions" and millions of people bought the record.

New  Year  Celebrations.   Collective thanksgiving that the year has finally finished.

NHS.   An acronym for free health care : Not Here Soon.

Nuclear  Winter.    Severe climate change, lengthy periods of darkness, below-freezing temperatures, violent windstorms, radioactive fallout, toxic smog, famine and possible disruption to Premiership fixtures.

Poppy  Day.   A period lasting several weeks during which freedom is celebrated by compulsory wearing of fake poppies and the fake regrets of politicians. The sacrifices of the dead are remembered in the land fit for heroes which the survivors inhabit.

Public  Education.   Lifelong process of learning how little you know. Not to be confused with private education : a lifelong process of talking about how much you know.

Public-Private  Partnership.   The introduction of a tapeworm into the body politic.

Satire.   A means by which those who chose the entertainments business mock their old Oxbridge chums who chose the politics business.

Small Business.   The eventual fate of big business.

Soul.   An invisible personal scorecard. It is believed that, after death, the Soul is transported

by Yellow Submarine to the Lost City Of Atlantis where Santa's Little Helpers use the Bat Computer to produce a Final Score which sends the owner to Hendon or Hanwell. But, as religious leaders always stress, that's only a guess.

Strikes.   Occasions on which selfless heroes such as firefighters are suddenly transformed into selfish wreckers when,

for no good reason, they vote to give up their pay just to spite the long-suffering public of whom they are not members.

The right to strike is a democratic freedom which must be protected as long as it is never used.

Supermodel.    A model with a press agent.

"Things  Can  Only  Get  Better".   Comic anthem of New Labour, seldom heard now as it is hard to imagine that further improvements could be possible.

Too  Big  To  Fail.   A polite phrase meaning Too Stupid To Succeed but with Too Many Friends In High Places To Go Down.

Traffic  Lights.    Visual display system of three lights designed to control traffic. GREEN : Go.  AMBER : Keep going.  RED : Go on, then.

24  Hour  Shop.    A shop which stays expensive round the clock.

War.   The American philosopher Edwin Starr wondered "What is it good for?" but could think of absolutely nothing. Subsequent philosophers of the Neo Con school asserted that it is good for regime change, arms sales and contracts for re-building.

War  Crimes  Trial.   A process which, following a conflict, guarantees the successful prosecution of leaders on the losing side .

"We  must  make  sure  this  never  happens  again."    Phrase used by politicians and officials whenever a scandal is exposed. The phrase refers to the exposure rather than the scandal.

Working  Week.   Due to outrageous restrictions placed on UK employers by the EU, this is restricted to a mere seven days.

Zeitgeist.   German word meaning "the spirit of the times" which is used frequently by English media pundits who understand neither language. This is the spirit of the times.

Writing by Mark Kelly

THE POET SAYS your eyes are two limpid pools,

I think they’re more like puddles.

Th poet says your kisses taste like fine wine,

I think they’re more like Ruddles.

He thinks he’s a hopeless romantic,

I just think he’s hopeless.

He thinks he’s a visionary,

I think he’s just out of focus.

There’s a world of difference between the poet and me:

the world as it is or how it might be.

Poets pretend,

they waste our time

and the fact is that the

overwhelming majority of the

ones I’ve read have almost no

regular rhythmic pattern at all

and they never rhyme.

THE WHEEL OF LIFE was wobbling as Mu Ling pushed his mortal trolley through the aisles of Infinity Superstores plc. He heard his Master’s voice echoing from within a freezer of frozen vegetables and discovered the learned one thrashing about in the peas and sprouts in search of the half-drunk can of extra-strong lager that he swore he had left there to chill.

The eager student sought clarification and enquired as to the difference between half-drunk or half-sober.

“Young ‘un,” boomed the Master masterfully emerging from the frozen depths, shaking a sprout from his ear, “it is like the difference between left and right.”

“But Master,” Mu Ling was mewling, “both your hands are even now beating me!”

“And both are required to make you understand!”

“I understand! Honestly I understand!” cried Mu Ling just before losing consciousness.

At that moment, the Master of Wisdom spotted an old woman shoplifting and, realising that all the store detectives were closing in on her, swiftly slipped a cheesecake under his jacket and walked away.

Mu Ling caught up with him. “Master, is it true that crime does not pay?”

The Master shrugged. “Crime does not pay; but neither do too many jobs these days.”

The boy had a lot to learn. The Master of Wisdom recalled his previous pupil, Mysterious Lee, who had been caught shoplifting; the Master was furious and had not allowed him to go out again until he had improved his technique.

“Master, is money important?”

Boy, he had so much to learn. The Master of Wisdom decided to demonstrate and demanded the £20 note which was all that remained of Mu Ling’s earthly giro. Mu Ling gasped as the Master tore it in half, laughing loudly, “This is what I think of money!”

As the pair passed by shelf after shelf, Mu Ling presented a dejected figure, whilst his Master presented an increasingly bulky, misshapen, yet strangely satisfied figure. they scorned the anouncements of special offers; everything was special to the Master of Wisdom; especially liquids.

“Another question, Wise One. Our eyes may be dazzled by diversity. How can we be sure that we choose what is good?”

The Master was patient. “Always remember to obtain a receipt so that goods may be exhanged.”

“And Master,” Mu Ling was pushing his luck further than his trolley. “What course would you recommend when we finally approach, as approach we surely must, the Great Checkout in the Sky?”

The Master drank deeply of ancient knowledge and vintage port. “Join the shortest queue.”

Then without warning, the Wise One expelled all the bilious, treacherous devils in his all too human stomach straight into Mu Ling’s face and, whilst the dripping devotee excused himself and went in search of the Bathroom of Bathos, the Master of Wisdom visited the House of Spirits where he recharged his batteries with life-giving liquids in exchange for a sellotaped £20.00 note.

Mu Ling noticed that the door was ajar

THE MASTER OF Wisdom was well-known to the authorities as the foremost proponent of the twin techniques of thoughtlessness and mindlessness. Released into the community, he was often visited by an eager young student called Mu Ling who had inwardly digested a copy of Zen and the Art of Marketing and wished to impress the Master with his own spiritual progress.

Mu Ling entered the Temple of Timeless Moments and took the lift to the tenth floor. He approached the Gateless Gate and hammered hard on the Knocker of the Higher Being, ignoring the ignorant graffiti daubed on the Eternal Door.

There was no answer.

“If there is no answer,” thought Mu Ling, “it is because I am asking the wrong question.”

In fact, he was at the wrong door. Twenty mortal minutes later, Mu Ling had become sufficiently enlightened to progress down the Infinite Corridor to Number 37.

The door was ajar. The door was a jar? Mu Ling meditated upon this apparent linguistic impasse until he passed his entrance exam. The Master of Wisdom never locked the door. He had no fear of theft, since he was staying at his cousin’s flat.

Mu Ling glanced around the ransacked room. The Master lay in a very deep trance atop a mountain of ‘Special Brew’ cans, snoring with the deep, steady resonance of the ages.

Mu Ling could find no coffee in the Kitchen of the Gods and so he commenced the tea ceremony, intoning his personal mantra:

“Those little perforations. Oh, it’s those little perforations…”

The Master of Wisdom awoke and asked him to keep the fucking racket down.

“Anyway. What the hell time is it?”

“Ah!” replied Mu Ling, “it’s always later than you think!”

Mu Ling was well pleased with his wit and equally pleased with his agility which enabled him to dodge the lager can that flew towards him.

Whilst the Master of Wisdom tried to get back to the Sleep Whcih Refreshes The Parts Other Sleep Just Cannot Reac, Mu Ling explained his unexpected presence:

“O perfect Master, I dreamed I was a fish which was itself dreaming of being human. Was I truly dreaming of this fish or am I indeed the fish which is now dreaming? What do you think? Hmmm?”

The Master of Wisdom understood that actions speak louder than words; and so, without saying a word he seized Mu Ling and battered him.

Thus, did the Master of Wisdom create his Cod Zen.