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1978, Aged 16, Walthamstow college SIXTEEN YEARS young and fresh out of school. God it felt good to be alive. Pimple they called me. Das college was a bustling affair with many distractions. But to be honest the worst thing I ever tried was a Snickers Bar. No, my real passion happened one...
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Caricatures by George Williams
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Cartoons by Simon Ellinas
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AT THE CONSERVATIVE Party conference in Manchester, our visionary Prime Minister amazed party colleagues and journalists alike by pledging to clear all the credit card debts of UK residents. To universal acclaim Cameron confirmed that the UK is also pulling out of Afganistan and Iraq, doing away with nuclear weapons, and finally ditching the...
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Caricatures and cartoons by Paul Baker
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OUR CONFERENCE CORRESPONDENT WRITES: IN A BLISTERING attack on the rest of the World, the Home Secretary, Theresa May, told the Tory Party Conference today that nobody other than thoroughbred British people have any right to a family life in a free society. "How can anyone who is not completely British possibly merit a...
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SORRY, THE DAILY MAIL misheard. That should read NOT GUILTY!
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SPORTS FROM THE BULL WELL IT CAME to pass just as I predicted. The brave Scottish hordes threw themselves at England like there was no tomorrow, missed two great chances to score tries when the funny shaped ball did what a funny shaped ball is supposed to do: bounce around like a demented squirrel...
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SCOTTISH BOOZE CRISIS: Salmon Addresses the Nation MY FELLOW SCOTS, I am speaking to you at a grave time. Our Proud Nation is smitten by a tidal wave of cheap Sassenach booze which is sapping the very lifeblood of our economy. We Scots are proud of our fine traditions especially our fearless consumption...
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ON THE HOTTEST October day since records began Tesco predicted it would sell 3.5million sausages, 550,000 burgers and 500,000 tubs of ice cream over the weekend. And that's just in Lord Prescott and Eric Pickles' neighbourhood.
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1972, Aged 12, Secondary school: IT WAS ONLY in secondary school that I started to flourish. It was there that I began to act in some minor roles—Tom Thumb, Gullivers travels, Snow White, Streeb Grubling. I always got cast as the small guy, but God I loved it. There under the spotlight, the...
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Caricatures by George Williams
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SPORTS FROM THE BULL THE CURRENT RUGBY world cup has been very enjoyable with matches conveniently broadcast from New Zealand at 7 and 9 a.m, allowing coffee, eggs and bacon to be consumed and the needs of your family totally ignored. One feature has been the respect for national anthems (even the English) and...
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NICOLAS BENT TO pick a buttercup and handed it to Carla. Carla's heart fluttered as his fingertips touched hers. "These, my dear," said Nicoals Sarkozy, pointing to some shrubbery, "are roses tremières and those are ornithogala pyramidales." Carla's legs turned to jelly. "Blimey!" she thought in her native cockney accent which she so cunningly...
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THE LATEST COMEDY double act to hit the screens has taken the nation by storm with "Two Eds Are Better Than One" blowing away audiences in Liverpool. Playing to rapturous applause from an admittedly partisan audience, Ed Miliband, the tall, ahem, good looking one without glasses joshes and banters with his straight man, the...
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BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD, ALBERT? Cartoons by Tim Leatherbarrow
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MY NAME IS Ross Kemp and this is my life. Where do I start? No seriously where do I start? Gareth? F*cking hell, Gareth I need a hand here. Oi where’ve you gone? Gareth??! It’s a minefield of choices this writing business. So many ways to skin a cat. Inspiration. Its not...
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WHEN I WAS a reporter, I worked the horseshit beat. I am not making that up. When the managing editor assigned me the beat he said, “Congrats! You get the horseshit beat.” To the non-journalist ears, this might sound like boring news to cover, but this beat was ripe with rural political corruption plus...
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IT SEEMS LIKE yesterday that four spotty, ink stained schoolboys were giggling over an old Banda Machine in Shrewsbury School. Richard Ingrams, Willie Rushton, Christopher Booker and Paul Foot produced the Salopian in the mid Fifties. Once it had achieved some backing and the benefit of offset litho printing, and once the suggested name...
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Sunday, May 26, 7:35 am
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Britain’s Cash Hits the Fan
IN AN ACT of defiance following his recent Court appearances, the Guv of the Bank of England, Ronnie King together with his twin brother Reg have thrown caution to the wind, along with £75 billion of other people's money. Speaking at a news conference at the Blind Beggar venue in London's fashionable Whitechapel, a...
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