Advertising agency copywriter (and gifted cartoonist) Dave Cornmell has let his fevered imagination run around this topic and come up with a bizarre selection of episodes from Santa's life.

Apparently, because he orders all the presents online and the elves do all the manual labour, poor old Santa is bored out of his mind.

There's trouble in the toilet, hypochondria (the lump on his arse turns out to be a half eaten prawn) and reindeer up tho their necks in their own poo due to Santa's failure to muck them out. There are imaginary adventures involving french bread, bananas and carrots, strange visits by Big issue sellers in the bathroom and getting stuck in the ice at the North Pole.

It's all very irreverent and sometimes extremely near the knuckle but always a tour de force of the imagination and the cartoons are superbly crafted with an easily identifiable style.

Well worth cramming into somebody's Christmas stocking.

Buy it HERE: 364 Days of Tedium by David Cornmell

Simon Ellinas

"Studies have shown that people who eat more are fatter than people who eat less," Mr Box said at a taxpayer-subsidised conference on Fat People and What They Should Do. "Also, people who get up out of their armchairs once in a while are found to be less obese. Unless the only journey they make is to the fridge for more cheesecake."

The conclusion drawn from this extremely intricate scientific data is that obesity can be tackled by eating less and exercising more.

Having climbed Mount Everest single-handed TWICE and swum the length of the Amazon while dressed as Biffo the Bear, Crag came to international prominence when he jumped off the Eiffel Tower, with no parachute, into a small bucket of tin tacks.

A muscle-bound athlete of double-decker bus proportions, Crag has walked through blazing buildings and camped in the Antarctic wearing just a vest and underpants.

Now, however, he faces his sternest challenge. The one feared by all right-minded people. during this ordeal, Crag must live with food or water in the most hostile, germ and virus-infested environment known to man

Yes, that's right. Next Monday, our hero goes into an NHS hospital for an ingrown toenail operation.

Writing by Simon Ellinas

"A disgrace to our noble vocation" – Tony Blair

"I hope he didn't inhale" – Bill Clinton

"You couldn't make it up" – Jeffrey Archer

"I'm turning in my grave"- Richard Nixon.

Cartoons by Simon Ellinas

NOT GUILTY!

And that's just in Lord Prescott and Eric Pickles' neighbourhood.

THE CURRENT RUGBY world cup has been very enjoyable with matches conveniently broadcast from New Zealand at 7 and 9 a.m, allowing coffee, eggs and bacon to be consumed and the needs of your family totally ignored.

One feature has been the respect for national anthems (even the English) and general celebration of a country’s character and culture.

Well all that ends this weekend, England play Scotland, and the Scots need to win or they are back home to the glens and golf courses. It’s the oldest and bitterest rivalry in sport. So stand by for ritual booing of God Save the Queen and Flower of Scotland getting the bird. Big time.

Bannockburn remembered, Rob Roy celebrated, 1966 World Cup win a fluke as that ball never crossed the line, Jocks with eyes on fire, kilts tightened and dirks drawn. Sit down, get your haggis or bacon butties ready and enjoy. After all it’s only a game with a funny shaped ball.

Writing by Roger Bull

Cartoons by Tim Leatherbarrow

Caricature by Simon Ellinas

NICOLAS BENT TO pick a buttercup and handed it to Carla. Carla's heart fluttered as his fingertips touched hers.

"These, my dear," said Nicoals Sarkozy, pointing to some shrubbery, "are roses tremières and those are ornithogala pyramidales."

Carla's legs turned to jelly. "Blimey!" she thought in her native cockney accent which she so cunningly disguised in speech. "He knows all about flowers!"

Carla's mind whirled back to when she was wooed by UK TV Gardening expert Alan Titchmarsh. She was madly in love except for his wonky eye which always seemed to be looking over her shoulder. And there was something missing. Carla never knew what it was but she knew she was right when she broke it off in Alan's potting shed.

"Oooh, look at that beautiful pink fuchsia," squealed Sarkozy as they approached the back entrance to the Elysée Palace.

Carla knew this was the man for her. She had been looking for a flower expert all her life. It was the most important thing in the world to her to settle down and find happiness with a man who knew all about flowers. And, oh yes, Sarkozy fitted the bill perfectly. "I must marry this man," she thought. At that mad moment, the fact that Sarkozy was a millionaire president of a major world nation was completely lost on her – for a split second. And then she remembered it and sighed. "I REALLY MUST marry this man," she said to herself.

"Would you like to see my root vegetables?" Sarkozy was saying as they approached the vegetable patch.

"This could be big," thought Carla.

Cartoons by jean Gouders

Writing by Simon Ellinas