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Archive, issue 2, Jan 1995 WHY -OH-WHY do supermarkets use superglue to label their fruit? WHY-OH-WHY do insurance salesman ring you up for ‘a little chat’ and then go on to try to sell you insurance? WHY-OH-WHY is pornographic,lewd, sexist, racist and totally puerile humour classed as ‘adult’? WHY-OH-WHY doesn’t the man on the...
Archives, issue 2, Jan 1995 Ref: Tory sex scandal, David Mellor and Antonia de Sancha IN MORE ROBUST times than ours, any courtier who incurred the monarch’s displeasure was stripped of his finery, kitted out in sackcloth and ashes and paraded through the streets for the amusement of the commoners. From ‘His Grace’ to...
Archive, amended from issue 2, Jan 1995 PARIS. A HISTORIC court action was started here this week. The plaintiffs are the French Association of Clowns who are accusing the defendants, Banana Skins of flasely masquerading as a comic device. René Pou-Pou, the clowns’ spokesman explained: “Eets incroyable. Pour trop longtemps ze skins de bananes...
Archive, amended from issue 2, January 1995 NEW YORK. A historic agreemnet was reached here today between two of the greatest inventors of the twentieth century. K. Edgar Hoover (younger brother to J. Edgar Hoover and elder brother to L. Edgar Hoover) and Lazlo Biro amicably agreed to swap tradenames for their respective products....
ARCHIVE: Amended from Issue 2, January 1995 LONDON ZOO IS a good place to go if you want to look at animals. But then so are the Houses of Parliament or any tube train in the rush hour. A visit to the zoo always raises suspicions that the animals are also looking at us....
ARCHIVE: amended from Issue 2, January 1995 WOODY ALLEN’S fame for extracting humour from the serious side of life is well-known. And in many of his films, humour is noticeably absent as he mines the darkest recesses of the human psyche and relationships. So, a return to his earlier work, at a time when...
ARCHIVE. Amended from original in issue 2, January 1995. STRANGE-BUT-TRUE department: It appears that the world famous dance practiced in homes throughout Kilburn, the Hokey Cokey, has intersting origins. Back in Reformation times, the jesters and satirists otherwise known as Protestants made up the dance to mock the Roman Catholics’ communion rites. The myriad...
ARCHIVE. Amended from original in issue 2, January 1995. AN ILL-JUDGED household tip on a TV home improvements show was blamed for the sudden wholesale destruction of thousands of the country’s toilets. Toilets in shops suffered a sudden retail destruction. The programme’s suggested solution to nasty smells left in toilets was: “Simply light a...
ARCHIVE. Issue 2, January 1995. (A conservative view of the literary arts) THE POET SAYS your eyes are two limpid pools, I think they’re more like puddles. Th poet says your kisses taste like fine wine, I think they’re more like Ruddles. He thinks he’s a hopeless romantic, I just think he’s hopeless. He...
ARCHIVE. Issue 2, January 1995. “I liked the odd use of capitals in ‘Video Nice-ies” – Neil Jones, Liverpool. Thanks Neil; so DID wE. “Ha! amused me!” – Martin Mason, London “Anyone could enjoy Ha!” – Agraman, The Buzz, Cheshire. “I liked Ofice Messages” – Jonathan Isaacs “Maintain present theme and all should go...
ARCHIVE. Issue 2, January 1995. THE WHEEL OF LIFE was wobbling as Mu Ling pushed his mortal trolley through the aisles of Infinity Superstores plc. He heard his Master’s voice echoing from within a freezer of frozen vegetables and discovered the learned one thrashing about in the peas and sprouts in search of the...
ARCHIVE. Amended from original in issue 4, May 1995. YOU’RE WALKING DOWN a crowded street and to your horror, you notice the people looking at you and laughing. They’re pointing at your nether regions and when you look down, you notice that you are not wearing anything but a skimpy sleeveless vest. For an...
ARCHIVE. Issue 4, May 1995. Star Signs and Sex Aries You’re known as the Roger Bannisters of the bedroom. You’re quickest off he mark, but after four minutes of huffing and puffing you feel like you’ve run a mile! Taurus You’re turned on by the colour red and love strong silent types. Taureans have...
ARCHIVE. Amended from original in issue 1, September 1994. IS CARTOONING VIEWED as a ‘folk art’ along with macramé, pottery and morris dancing? As a cartoonist I am often asked, “Why don’t you bugger off?” This is usually from prospective clients. One receives the impression that cartoons are expected to be free, or at...
ARCHIVE. Issue 1, September 1994. THE MASTER OF Wisdom was well-known to the authorities as the foremost proponent of the twin techniques of thoughtlessness and mindlessness. Released into the community, he was often visited by an eager young student called Mu Ling who had inwardly digested a copy of Zen and the Art of...
ARCHIVE. Amended from original in issue 1, September 1994. WHY-OH-WHY do CD manufacturers gleefully design a container that automatically rips a lyric sheet to shreds wen you try to remove it? WHY-OH-WHY do you find so much dog poo on the only path through a large field? WHY-OH-WHY was Absolutely Fabulous such a success?
ARCHIVE. Amended from original in issue 1, September 1994. WEDNESDAY 27th JULY was a hot and clammy day. It was the sort of weather that persuades acres of waxy flesh to emerge from their wollen winter retreats. The elderly had even undone the top buttons of their thick winter coats. Watford was awash with...
ARCHIVE. Amended from original in issue 1, September 1994. ONLY THE OTHER day I was on my way to an important paper clip-bending meeting in London when I saw it. “STOP! Bring all your dry cleaning here!” scrawled all over a dirty bit of cardboard in a sweet shop window. Of course, I couldn’t...
What they said about the second issue of Ha!
Archive, issue 3, March 1995 “What a wonderful idea!” – Miles Kington “It’s funnier than Squib was.” – Tony Husband, cartoonist and former editor of Oink! “Brilliant effort!” – Steve Way, ex-cartoon editor of Punch “No” (in answer to four out of six questions on our questionnaire) – John Brown, publisher of Viz (so...
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