Aries
You’re known as the Roger Bannisters of the bedroom. You’re quickest off he mark, but after four minutes of huffing and puffing you feel like you’ve run a mile!

Taurus
You’re turned on by the colour red and love strong silent types. Taureans have been known to conduct lengthy affairs with letter boxes.

Gemini
You are versatile, eager to experiment and often spend hours in the local Accident and Emergency waiting for household objects to be extracted. your X-Rays change hands for exorbitant sums.

Cancer
You never got over finding out Mummy and Daddy actually ‘did it’. Your insecurities are legion. You even suspect Teddy is carrying on with Golly behind your back.

Leo
You are nature’s dramatists and love performing in front of mirrors. Even your groans and ecstatic squeals have been rehearsed. A lucrative career as a porn star beckons.

Virgo
You are addicted to order and routine. Your spontaneous embraces need planning weeks in advance. your favourite love-making slot is the commercial break during News at ten.

Libra
You are attractive, well -balanced and like to see both sides of things at once. This leads to serious back strain in bed and a high incidence of bisexuality.

Scorpio
You are the sexual athletes of the Zodiac. you are passionate, devastating and completely irresistible. Needless to say this tosh is entirely on your say-so.

Sagittarius
You are restless and thrive on one night stands. You feature heavily in petitions for divorce and account for half the case notes in VD clinics.

Capricorn
You are conservative and keen on Victorian values. You have a first edition of Fanny Hill and like dressing up as a maid, whatever your sex.

Aquarius
You are the most independent of the star signs. few partners can match your high ideals. Onanistic practises feature highly in your working day.

Pisces
Dear me! You do believe in love at first sight, don’t you? May I recommend a video of Brief Encounter and a large hanky?

Cartoons and caricatures by Guy Carter