Caricatures by George Williams

Uncle Fabio said that because I’m not allowed to play in the championships he might not let me play in the friendlies against Holland and Sweden. Well f**k me, what a w***er, I love playing football. What does he expect me to do with my time? Read a book? I've already read one. By Dr Seuss.

I’ll really miss not being able to play with my mates John Terry, Rio Ferdinand and especially my best mate, Ashley Cole. He used to bring his special friend Cheryl to the games, she was well tasty she was. Don’t tell Coleen that, I’m in enough trouble with her already.

Anyway as I was saying you lot probably think it’s a bed of roses earning £200k a week for kicking a ball (and my opponents) every week, but with all the unfair aggro I get from the press and public, I’m thinking of going back home to help me dad sell DVD’s in Bootle market.

As told to The Bull in an exclusive interview.

Speaking at a news conference at the Blind Beggar venue in London's fashionable Whitechapel, a truculent Ronnie said 'I'm fed up wiv all this buggering about wiv the economy'.

'Me and Reg knows what's best and if people don't like it, they're welcome to discuss it wiv us over a pint. I'll even get the first round to show there's no 'ard feelings. Know what I mean? Any questions?'

Robert Pestoff, head of the BBC's Debt Unit, asked how Ron and Reg's plan to throw £75 billion away would help to reduce Britain's crippling burden.

'Reg and me is getting nuffin out of this so mind yer own bizness.' was Ronnie's withering reply.

'But' continued Pestoff unabashed, 'Surely dumping such large sums of quantitative easing in the economic fan will inevitably lead to a disastrous slow down for decades to come which will in turn gravely increase the danger of a sextuple dip recession and a return to the dark days of mob rule in the East End?'

The Guv's response was curt: 'Straighten 'im out, Reg. Right, no more questions? Good, Reg and me is off for a celebration knees-up wiv our friends in 'igh places.'

Writing by Don Kiddle

Caricatures by Simon Ellinas

Caricatures by George Williams

Cartoons by Simon Ellinas

Caricatures and cartoons by Paul Baker

I always got cast as the small guy, but God I loved it. There under the spotlight, the spotlight shining down on me I knew I belonged. The skills I learned there stayed with me the rest of my life, and were particularly useful in my later spell on the boards during the 1992 to 1993 pantomime season in Tass.
 
My other ephany, epiphanany, epiphany (c’mon Gareth) came when I went on a school trip to Berlin, Germany. The field trip involved a tour around the most famous of the city’s Reichsmuseums but it was one location in particular that grabbed me.
 
I couldn’t quite explain it, diary, but walking in to Hitler’s bunker that day I felt a thrill of excitement so strong that it coursed through my veins and left my node standing to attention. Sieg Heil! was a phrase I saw etched into the walls there. I always wondered what it meant, but never having found out, I used it as a source of mystical inspiration and carried it with me for several years after.

Ze school trip awakened a sense of myself in me and showed me the possibilities of life. Indeed walking around der Fuhrer’s bunker I realised my second passion in life (after acting) would be the army! Yes, seeing those uniforms hanging up on the Kriegs Museum walls I knew that my destiny would be inextruc-, inextracib-, (Gareth!) strongly linked with that of a soldier. I took that experience with me and used it in my later programme, Kemp on Guns.

Writing by Charles Byshhe Gilmor

Caricature by Simon Ellinas

Caricatures by George Williams