But it’s only online, there are no TV versions of the new 2011 series, so get yourself over to Fosters.co.uk and “give yourself a bit of a treat” as faux music hall legend, the Fast Show’s very own Arthur Atkinson may say.

And I’m glad to be able to report that the great man himself (Arthur that is) is also back, alive and well and with his totally unfunny catchphrase – “’ere, where’s me washboard” which when you’ve heard it often enough gets more hilarious each time with its inanity.

We also see the return of Ron Manager. Football hasn’t really been the same in Ron’s absence and we're still waiting for some of his observations on the modern game. So far, we’ve only seen Ron off-camera, lamenting the dangerous height of the studio’s stools.

The Fast Show has been off our screens since a “last ever” one-off version was screened by the BBC back in 2000. But YouTube gave it a real resurgence and creators Paul Whitehouse and Charlie Higson truly realised the potential of the web for sketch-based comedy.

The show is, after all, a series of short quick-fire sketches with the same characters coming back and back, so it makes perfect sense for it to be on the web only; it’s designed for us to dip in and out of. That was always the show’s ethos as it blazed a trail for other great comedy sketch shows in its wake like ‘Little Britain’ and ‘The Catherine Tate’ show which – whilst good – never quite seemed to achieve the same “laugh out loud uncontrollably” heights achieved by The Fast Show.

But a government health warning first; there are some very funny videos in the brand new web-only series being brought to us by Fosters.co.uk – along with a few other comedy legends like Vic Reeves & Bob Mortimer.

As I’ve said – The Fast Show is back and it’s better – and I mean it; so just watch it!

But it’s only the computer screen it’s on as the show is available only online via Fosters.co.uk.

The series started on November 11^th and it certainly hasn’t disappointed us die-hard fans who enjoyed it so much the first time around during the mid 1990s.

Lots of our old favourite characters are back like Dave Angel, eco warrior, the Chanel 9 “scorchio” TV channel, the “does my bum look big in this?” woman and lots more.

It’s particularly heart-warming to hear from Rowley Birkin QC, once more, rattling on about his former life in most unintelligible mumbles with the off lucid snatch with like: “I opened my eyes and by jingo, I realised I'd married three of 'em!” or … “the sound of a small child’s voice; ‘Mama… Mama!’” Of course, he always ends his eulogies with "I'm afraid I was very, very drunk."

Some of the Fast Show’s best known catchphrases became used in just about every type of media over the years. "Football isn't it?" “I’ll get me coat” "You aint seen me, right?" "This week I have been mostly eating…" "Suits you sir!" the list is almost never ending.

The shows creators Paul Whitehouse and Charlie Higson created a legend and with the passing years have lost none of their cutting edge whatsoever. The show works at different levels from the repeated nonsensical simplicity to sharp satire, deep pathos and wonderful observational humour.

Different again are Reeves and Mortimer who are also on Foster’s website with some of the most inexplicably funny stuff you’re ever likely to see with their afternoon delights; don’t miss either!

What Lasts Longer than Kim Kardashian's Marriage:

1. The flavor in a new stick of gum

2. Sex with Hugh Hefner

3.  The cooking time of a minute steak (also coincidentally, the same amount of  time needed for sex with Hugh Hefner)

4. The monogrammed Mr. and Mrs. Kardashian-Humphries guest towels

5. Believe it or not –  Justin Bieber’s singing career

6. Sarah Palin's hope for a US Presidential career

7. A bag of chocolate truffles in a PMSing  whore house

8. A keg at a football game party

9. An ice cream cone in the Sahara Desert

And finally,

10. A truce between the Republicans and Democrats in the US Congress 

He was only 38, but, worn down by the responsibilities of providing generous welfare benefits for his subjects, he resembled a nonagenarian.

A young man who was with 'Daffy' when he passed away, said he was so saddened by the pathetic state of his once handsome leader that he felt the least he could do to show his gratitude was to end his suffering in the traditional Libyan manner.

Other grief-stricken followers, who were loyally at his side right to the bitter end, said that they would have shown the same compassion for their beloved Dictator had their trigger-happy brother not beaten them to it.

One man wailed 'The good always die too soon' through his tears. Many others murmured in agreement.

Few words were spoken but rifles and machine guns were exuberantly fired into the air as a sign of respect.

Throughout his life, Daffy always maintained that he was just an 'ordinary guy' so it was fitting that he should have spent his last precious moments in a sewer pipe which has already been adopted as a Shrine to his memory.

As a mark of International respect, a NATO Red Arrows Squadron staged an impromptu ceremonial fly-past a short while before Corporal Gaddafi finally expired.

Writing by Don Kiddle

MARK KELLY'S DOWNSIZED DICTIONARY

Language can be tricky. Have you ever tried using it? What do words really mean?

What do words like really really mean? The Downsized Dictionary upgrades towards

a complete language which will overthrow capitalism. Or your money back. Read on….

Affordable  Housing.   A term which has changed its point of reference from "council house" to "cardboard box".

Alienation.   The sense of being separate from society ; something we all have in common.

Astrology.   A predictive system which divides the gullible into twelve handy sections.

ATM.   A convenient device enabling bankers to sit indoors stealing your money

while you queue in the rain to get it.

Austerity  Measure.   A magic trick in which money disappears from the hands of the poor and pops up in the pockets of the rich.

"A week is a long time in politics."    Inaccurate cliche first uttered by Harold Wilson.

Anyone who has attended a Parliamentary debate knows that an hour is a very long time.

Best  Selling  Author.    Authors who place the words "best" and "selling" in front of their name.

Big  Society.    Inspiring vision of a social and economic order described in detail in the works

of Charles Dickens.

Billboard.   Legalised graffiti.

Built-In  Obsolescence.   The human condition.

Censor.   A godlike individual who is unaffected by the constant study of material which would corrupt and deprave lesser mortals.

Class  A  Drugs.   First class drugs.

Collateral  Damage.    Unnecessary deaths caused by unnecessary lives.

Exorcism.   Spiritual belief that money is the root of all evil and must be extracted.

Flexible  Labour  Market.    Economic conditions in which the workforce rolls over and takes it up the arse from the boss.

History.    Popular pastime.

"Imagine".   John Lennon sang "Imagine no possessions" and millions of people bought the record.

New  Year  Celebrations.   Collective thanksgiving that the year has finally finished.

NHS.   An acronym for free health care : Not Here Soon.

Nuclear  Winter.    Severe climate change, lengthy periods of darkness, below-freezing temperatures, violent windstorms, radioactive fallout, toxic smog, famine and possible disruption to Premiership fixtures.

Poppy  Day.   A period lasting several weeks during which freedom is celebrated by compulsory wearing of fake poppies and the fake regrets of politicians. The sacrifices of the dead are remembered in the land fit for heroes which the survivors inhabit.

Public  Education.   Lifelong process of learning how little you know. Not to be confused with private education : a lifelong process of talking about how much you know.

Public-Private  Partnership.   The introduction of a tapeworm into the body politic.

Satire.   A means by which those who chose the entertainments business mock their old Oxbridge chums who chose the politics business.

Small Business.   The eventual fate of big business.

Soul.   An invisible personal scorecard. It is believed that, after death, the Soul is transported

by Yellow Submarine to the Lost City Of Atlantis where Santa's Little Helpers use the Bat Computer to produce a Final Score which sends the owner to Hendon or Hanwell. But, as religious leaders always stress, that's only a guess.

Strikes.   Occasions on which selfless heroes such as firefighters are suddenly transformed into selfish wreckers when,

for no good reason, they vote to give up their pay just to spite the long-suffering public of whom they are not members.

The right to strike is a democratic freedom which must be protected as long as it is never used.

Supermodel.    A model with a press agent.

"Things  Can  Only  Get  Better".   Comic anthem of New Labour, seldom heard now as it is hard to imagine that further improvements could be possible.

Too  Big  To  Fail.   A polite phrase meaning Too Stupid To Succeed but with Too Many Friends In High Places To Go Down.

Traffic  Lights.    Visual display system of three lights designed to control traffic. GREEN : Go.  AMBER : Keep going.  RED : Go on, then.

24  Hour  Shop.    A shop which stays expensive round the clock.

War.   The American philosopher Edwin Starr wondered "What is it good for?" but could think of absolutely nothing. Subsequent philosophers of the Neo Con school asserted that it is good for regime change, arms sales and contracts for re-building.

War  Crimes  Trial.   A process which, following a conflict, guarantees the successful prosecution of leaders on the losing side .

"We  must  make  sure  this  never  happens  again."    Phrase used by politicians and officials whenever a scandal is exposed. The phrase refers to the exposure rather than the scandal.

Working  Week.   Due to outrageous restrictions placed on UK employers by the EU, this is restricted to a mere seven days.

Zeitgeist.   German word meaning "the spirit of the times" which is used frequently by English media pundits who understand neither language. This is the spirit of the times.

Writing by Mark Kelly

Advertising agency copywriter (and gifted cartoonist) Dave Cornmell has let his fevered imagination run around this topic and come up with a bizarre selection of episodes from Santa's life.

Apparently, because he orders all the presents online and the elves do all the manual labour, poor old Santa is bored out of his mind.

There's trouble in the toilet, hypochondria (the lump on his arse turns out to be a half eaten prawn) and reindeer up tho their necks in their own poo due to Santa's failure to muck them out. There are imaginary adventures involving french bread, bananas and carrots, strange visits by Big issue sellers in the bathroom and getting stuck in the ice at the North Pole.

It's all very irreverent and sometimes extremely near the knuckle but always a tour de force of the imagination and the cartoons are superbly crafted with an easily identifiable style.

Well worth cramming into somebody's Christmas stocking.

Buy it HERE: 364 Days of Tedium by David Cornmell

Simon Ellinas