STOP PRESS: 306 MPs DECIDE WHETHER 62MILLION PEOPLE WANT TO ENTER EURO
Saturday, February 4, 7:54 pm
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YOU KNOW IT'S not f***ing easy being me. There's always some w***er trying to diss me. Yeah, well, okay I gave one to that bastard from Mont, Monto – yeah, well, that foreign country we played and those bastards in UEFA have f***ing dumped me. You'd think they knew anything about soccer. So I'll...
THAT'S WHAT fat people do according to government health spokesperson Brian Box, pictured left. "Studies have shown that people who eat more are fatter than people who eat less," Mr Box said at a taxpayer-subsidised conference on Fat People and What They Should Do. "Also, people who get up out of their armchairs once...
CRAG THUNDER, the world-famous survivalist and the man who once called Bear Grylls 'a girl', is facing the toughest challenge of his career. Having climbed Mount Everest single-handed TWICE and swum the length of the Amazon while dressed as Biffo the Bear, Crag came to international prominence when he jumped off the Eiffel Tower,...
THE HOUSE OF COMMONS was rocked by allegations about a politician who is suspected of telling the truth on at least one occasion. "A disgrace to our noble vocation" – Tony Blair "I hope he didn't inhale" – Bill Clinton "You couldn't make it up" – Jeffrey Archer "I'm turning in my grave"- Richard...
IN AN ACT of defiance following his recent Court appearances, the Guv of the Bank of England, Ronnie King together with his twin brother Reg have thrown caution to the wind, along with £75 billion of other people's money. Speaking at a news conference at the Blind Beggar venue in London's fashionable Whitechapel, a...
AT THE CONSERVATIVE Party conference in Manchester, our visionary Prime Minister amazed party colleagues and journalists alike by pledging to clear all the credit card debts of UK residents. To universal acclaim Cameron confirmed that the UK is also pulling out of Afganistan and Iraq, doing away with nuclear weapons, and finally ditching the...
OUR CONFERENCE CORRESPONDENT WRITES: IN A BLISTERING attack on the rest of the World, the Home Secretary, Theresa May, told the Tory Party Conference today that nobody other than thoroughbred British people have any right to a family life in a free society. "How can anyone who is not completely British possibly merit a...
SORRY, THE DAILY MAIL misheard. That should read NOT GUILTY!
SPORTS FROM THE BULL WELL IT CAME to pass just as I predicted. The brave Scottish hordes threw themselves at England like there was no tomorrow, missed two great chances to score tries when the funny shaped ball did what a funny shaped ball is supposed to do: bounce around like a demented squirrel...
SCOTTISH BOOZE CRISIS: Salmon Addresses the Nation MY FELLOW SCOTS, I am speaking to you at a grave time. Our Proud Nation is smitten by a tidal wave of cheap Sassenach booze which is sapping the very lifeblood of our economy. We Scots are proud of our fine traditions especially our fearless consumption...
ON THE HOTTEST October day since records began Tesco predicted it would sell 3.5million sausages, 550,000 burgers and 500,000 tubs of ice cream over the weekend. And that's just in Lord Prescott and Eric Pickles' neighbourhood.
SPORTS FROM THE BULL THE CURRENT RUGBY world cup has been very enjoyable with matches conveniently broadcast from New Zealand at 7 and 9 a.m, allowing coffee, eggs and bacon to be consumed and the needs of your family totally ignored. One feature has been the respect for national anthems (even the English) and...
Muammar Gaddafi 1942-2011 R.I.H.
THE DEATH HAS been announced of Corporal Muammar Gaddafi who died peacefully after a lifetime of service to his people which was conducted with his characteristic brand of honour and dignity. He was only 38, but, worn down by the responsibilities of providing generous welfare benefits for his subjects, he resembled a nonagenarian. A...
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