He was only 38, but, worn down by the responsibilities of providing generous welfare benefits for his subjects, he resembled a nonagenarian.

A young man who was with 'Daffy' when he passed away, said he was so saddened by the pathetic state of his once handsome leader that he felt the least he could do to show his gratitude was to end his suffering in the traditional Libyan manner.

Other grief-stricken followers, who were loyally at his side right to the bitter end, said that they would have shown the same compassion for their beloved Dictator had their trigger-happy brother not beaten them to it.

One man wailed 'The good always die too soon' through his tears. Many others murmured in agreement.

Few words were spoken but rifles and machine guns were exuberantly fired into the air as a sign of respect.

Throughout his life, Daffy always maintained that he was just an 'ordinary guy' so it was fitting that he should have spent his last precious moments in a sewer pipe which has already been adopted as a Shrine to his memory.

As a mark of International respect, a NATO Red Arrows Squadron staged an impromptu ceremonial fly-past a short while before Corporal Gaddafi finally expired.

Writing by Don Kiddle

Uncle Fabio said that because I’m not allowed to play in the championships he might not let me play in the friendlies against Holland and Sweden. Well f**k me, what a w***er, I love playing football. What does he expect me to do with my time? Read a book? I've already read one. By Dr Seuss.

I’ll really miss not being able to play with my mates John Terry, Rio Ferdinand and especially my best mate, Ashley Cole. He used to bring his special friend Cheryl to the games, she was well tasty she was. Don’t tell Coleen that, I’m in enough trouble with her already.

Anyway as I was saying you lot probably think it’s a bed of roses earning £200k a week for kicking a ball (and my opponents) every week, but with all the unfair aggro I get from the press and public, I’m thinking of going back home to help me dad sell DVD’s in Bootle market.

As told to The Bull in an exclusive interview.

"Studies have shown that people who eat more are fatter than people who eat less," Mr Box said at a taxpayer-subsidised conference on Fat People and What They Should Do. "Also, people who get up out of their armchairs once in a while are found to be less obese. Unless the only journey they make is to the fridge for more cheesecake."

The conclusion drawn from this extremely intricate scientific data is that obesity can be tackled by eating less and exercising more.

Having climbed Mount Everest single-handed TWICE and swum the length of the Amazon while dressed as Biffo the Bear, Crag came to international prominence when he jumped off the Eiffel Tower, with no parachute, into a small bucket of tin tacks.

A muscle-bound athlete of double-decker bus proportions, Crag has walked through blazing buildings and camped in the Antarctic wearing just a vest and underpants.

Now, however, he faces his sternest challenge. The one feared by all right-minded people. during this ordeal, Crag must live with food or water in the most hostile, germ and virus-infested environment known to man

Yes, that's right. Next Monday, our hero goes into an NHS hospital for an ingrown toenail operation.

Writing by Simon Ellinas

Cartoons by Tim Leatherbarrow

"A disgrace to our noble vocation" – Tony Blair

"I hope he didn't inhale" – Bill Clinton

"You couldn't make it up" – Jeffrey Archer

"I'm turning in my grave"- Richard Nixon.

Speaking at a news conference at the Blind Beggar venue in London's fashionable Whitechapel, a truculent Ronnie said 'I'm fed up wiv all this buggering about wiv the economy'.

'Me and Reg knows what's best and if people don't like it, they're welcome to discuss it wiv us over a pint. I'll even get the first round to show there's no 'ard feelings. Know what I mean? Any questions?'

Robert Pestoff, head of the BBC's Debt Unit, asked how Ron and Reg's plan to throw £75 billion away would help to reduce Britain's crippling burden.

'Reg and me is getting nuffin out of this so mind yer own bizness.' was Ronnie's withering reply.

'But' continued Pestoff unabashed, 'Surely dumping such large sums of quantitative easing in the economic fan will inevitably lead to a disastrous slow down for decades to come which will in turn gravely increase the danger of a sextuple dip recession and a return to the dark days of mob rule in the East End?'

The Guv's response was curt: 'Straighten 'im out, Reg. Right, no more questions? Good, Reg and me is off for a celebration knees-up wiv our friends in 'igh places.'

Writing by Don Kiddle

Caricatures by Simon Ellinas