He was only 38, but, worn down by the responsibilities of providing generous welfare benefits for his subjects, he resembled a nonagenarian.

A young man who was with 'Daffy' when he passed away, said he was so saddened by the pathetic state of his once handsome leader that he felt the least he could do to show his gratitude was to end his suffering in the traditional Libyan manner.

Other grief-stricken followers, who were loyally at his side right to the bitter end, said that they would have shown the same compassion for their beloved Dictator had their trigger-happy brother not beaten them to it.

One man wailed 'The good always die too soon' through his tears. Many others murmured in agreement.

Few words were spoken but rifles and machine guns were exuberantly fired into the air as a sign of respect.

Throughout his life, Daffy always maintained that he was just an 'ordinary guy' so it was fitting that he should have spent his last precious moments in a sewer pipe which has already been adopted as a Shrine to his memory.

As a mark of International respect, a NATO Red Arrows Squadron staged an impromptu ceremonial fly-past a short while before Corporal Gaddafi finally expired.

Writing by Don Kiddle

For Tony politics was all about photo opportunities. Whilst he was tightly gripping the country's tiller not quite sinking our great nation, the sound of rocks in the shallows scraping against the nation's hull could definitely be heard.

Tony was often away over the other side of the Atlantic pandering to our American cousins and spouting all kinds of shit about "our special relationship." This 'Special relationship' is a totally political thing. It's the politicians pension fund for when they leave the 'house.' To please our 'special relatives' he guided us into an interminable war, under a cartoon nutjob U.S. president. The benefits would outweigh the drawbacks for 'Our Tony', as when he finally gave the PM's job to the next fellah, he legged home and started his story.

Then across to the American lecture circuits and the money started pouring into the Blair coffers. Tonys happy smiling face was then seen all over at diplomatic functions, U.N. and places as he made lots of new friends.

The Middle East is the most alien place to everybody on the planet Earth. There's been war and upheaval since, never mind History , since time began. But even by history's bloody standards the Middle East is 'on fire.' Wars, riots ,blood, sweat'n'tears are rife. But the man employed to help out the strife in the Middle East is 'Our Tony'. So we have nothing to worry about. You can tell Blair's on the job 'cos nothing seems to be happening at all.

Tony's employed by the Russians, Americans, United Nations and the European Union as a special envoy to this 'Quartet'. He's founded the often quoted secretive international consultancy: Tony Blair Associates???? What it does, nobody seems to know except our Tony is earning mind-boggling masses of money for whatever it is that he is or isn't doing. Maybe he's not the imbecile we always thought he was.

Do you ever get the feeling you've been screwed?

"A disgrace to our noble vocation" – Tony Blair

"I hope he didn't inhale" – Bill Clinton

"You couldn't make it up" – Jeffrey Archer

"I'm turning in my grave"- Richard Nixon.

Speaking at a news conference at the Blind Beggar venue in London's fashionable Whitechapel, a truculent Ronnie said 'I'm fed up wiv all this buggering about wiv the economy'.

'Me and Reg knows what's best and if people don't like it, they're welcome to discuss it wiv us over a pint. I'll even get the first round to show there's no 'ard feelings. Know what I mean? Any questions?'

Robert Pestoff, head of the BBC's Debt Unit, asked how Ron and Reg's plan to throw £75 billion away would help to reduce Britain's crippling burden.

'Reg and me is getting nuffin out of this so mind yer own bizness.' was Ronnie's withering reply.

'But' continued Pestoff unabashed, 'Surely dumping such large sums of quantitative easing in the economic fan will inevitably lead to a disastrous slow down for decades to come which will in turn gravely increase the danger of a sextuple dip recession and a return to the dark days of mob rule in the East End?'

The Guv's response was curt: 'Straighten 'im out, Reg. Right, no more questions? Good, Reg and me is off for a celebration knees-up wiv our friends in 'igh places.'

Writing by Don Kiddle

Caricatures by Simon Ellinas

Cartoons by Simon Ellinas

To universal acclaim Cameron confirmed that the UK is also pulling out of Afganistan and Iraq, doing away with nuclear weapons, and finally ditching the ailing pound to join the euro.

The railways are to be re-built, with all the Beeching-stricken stations re-opening, and public transport will be completely free for the over-30s.

In a move that totally devasted the Labour opposition and Mr Clegg’s motley crew, the Prime Minister was also able to  confirm the following.

• Petrol prices to be cut by 50%
• Energy prices to be cut by 45%
• Supermarket profits to be refunded to registered customers
• Students to be paid £3000 per annum for their university places with completely exam-free, guaranteed degrees at the end of only one year
• Boris Johnson to be made Minister of The Back Room Somewhere Out Of Harm's Reach
• Pigs will be issued with pilot licences

This statement was put out by the government’s new press officer, Mr Max Clifford, ably assisted by Mr Harry Hill.

Writing by Roger Bull

Cartoon by Simon Ellinas

Caricatures and cartoons by Paul Baker