STOP PRESS: 306 MPs DECIDE WHETHER 62MILLION PEOPLE WANT TO ENTER EURO
Saturday, February 4, 9:15 pm
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1978, Aged 16, Walthamstow college SIXTEEN YEARS young and fresh out of school. God it felt good to be alive. Pimple they called me. Das college was a bustling affair with many distractions. But to be honest the worst thing I ever tried was a Snickers Bar. No, my real passion happened one...
1972, Aged 12, Secondary school: IT WAS ONLY in secondary school that I started to flourish. It was there that I began to act in some minor roles—Tom Thumb, Gullivers travels, Snow White, Streeb Grubling. I always got cast as the small guy, but God I loved it. There under the spotlight, the...
NICOLAS BENT TO pick a buttercup and handed it to Carla. Carla's heart fluttered as his fingertips touched hers. "These, my dear," said Nicoals Sarkozy, pointing to some shrubbery, "are roses tremières and those are ornithogala pyramidales." Carla's legs turned to jelly. "Blimey!" she thought in her native cockney accent which she so cunningly...
MY NAME IS Ross Kemp and this is my life. Where do I start? No seriously where do I start? Gareth? F*cking hell, Gareth I need a hand here. Oi where’ve you gone? Gareth??! It’s a minefield of choices this writing business. So many ways to skin a cat. Inspiration. Its not...
HOLLYWOOD ACTOR and legendary hell-raiser, Charlie Sheen has worried his friends with his increasingly erratic behaviour. Sheen's routine normally includes regular alcohol and drug abuse, marital problems and alleged domestic violence. "We're used to seeing televisions coming flying through his front windows and drug dealers arriving and leaving at all hours of day and...
AT THE PREMIERE of I Don't Know How She Does It starring Sarah Jessica Parker and Christina Hendricks, rumour was rife that that the two main stars of the film were contenders for Golden Globes. Cartoonist Simon Ellinas
LEFT: SOME nice flowers instead of the usual Twin Towers pic which we were lazy enough to include in an earlier edit which we now realise committed the same sins of the media we are lampooning below. NEWS ANCHOR, TED EXPECTANT: IT'S THE TENTH anniversary of the 9/11 attacks on New York and Washington...
THE UK WAS rocked by the shock revelation that a prominent public figure's spouse has no interest whatsoever in publicity. The spouse, who happens to be a woman, lives quietly in a grace and favour residence near her husband's political office and busies herself with housework, knitting, doing Sudokus and watching Countdown. Newspapers and...
An American's Letter to the British people: WE IN AMERICA know that you British had the wedding of the century. Allow me to reassure you that we do not resent the pageantry and celebration. In fact, we are jealous. We have nothing that compares to royalty. We had the Kennedys for a while, but...
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