But it’s only online, there are no TV versions of the new 2011 series, so get yourself over to Fosters.co.uk and “give yourself a bit of a treat” as faux music hall legend, the Fast Show’s very own Arthur Atkinson may say.

And I’m glad to be able to report that the great man himself (Arthur that is) is also back, alive and well and with his totally unfunny catchphrase – “’ere, where’s me washboard” which when you’ve heard it often enough gets more hilarious each time with its inanity.

We also see the return of Ron Manager. Football hasn’t really been the same in Ron’s absence and we're still waiting for some of his observations on the modern game. So far, we’ve only seen Ron off-camera, lamenting the dangerous height of the studio’s stools.

The Fast Show has been off our screens since a “last ever” one-off version was screened by the BBC back in 2000. But YouTube gave it a real resurgence and creators Paul Whitehouse and Charlie Higson truly realised the potential of the web for sketch-based comedy.

The show is, after all, a series of short quick-fire sketches with the same characters coming back and back, so it makes perfect sense for it to be on the web only; it’s designed for us to dip in and out of. That was always the show’s ethos as it blazed a trail for other great comedy sketch shows in its wake like ‘Little Britain’ and ‘The Catherine Tate’ show which – whilst good – never quite seemed to achieve the same “laugh out loud uncontrollably” heights achieved by The Fast Show.

But a government health warning first; there are some very funny videos in the brand new web-only series being brought to us by Fosters.co.uk – along with a few other comedy legends like Vic Reeves & Bob Mortimer.

As I’ve said – The Fast Show is back and it’s better – and I mean it; so just watch it!

NHS.   An acronym for free health care : Not Here Soon.

Nuclear  Winter.   Severe climate change, lengthy periods of darkness, below-freezing

temperatures, violent windstorms, radioactive fallout, toxic smog, famine and possible

disruption to Premiership fixtures.

War  Crimes  Trial.   A process which, following a conflict, guarantees the successful prosecution of leaders on the losing side.

Cricket, ugly cricket

At Lords where it happened

The bowlers did their best

So the fixers won the Test

The bowling it was clandestine

Spot betting’s a real gold mine

Cricket, ugly cricket,

Asif, Amir and Butt did it.

No-balls had to be bowled

At the time when they were told

They put their careers on the line

At worst they thought they’d get a fine

Oh cricket, ugly cricket

The Judge didn’t like it

All of you I’d love to shoot

You’ve brought the game into disrepute

But I’ll make do with imprisonment

In the hope that you’ll repent.

Oh cricket ugly cricket,

At Lords of all places

It’s the tip of an iceberg

Said the late News of the World

What a mess the game is in

Greed is such an ugly sin.

(To calypso singers everywhere – Respect, Man)

NOT TO BE OUTDONE by the Conservative Chancellor George Osborne, Labour leader Ed Milliband received a whipping from several hundred members of the Trades Union Congress in London earlier this week.

Cartoonist and caricaturist Simon Ellinas.

A RECENTLY-PUBLISHED book reveals that Renaissance painter, Michelangelo actually disappeared for three years. Albert Crust, author of ‘Michelangelo Actually Disappeared For Three Years’, explains:

“It was during the painting of the Sistine Chapel that this strange phenomenon was observed. While inside, the great artist was perfectly visible, but as soon as he stepped outside, he would disappear. This was at about the same time as when he was lying flat on his back, painting elaborate Italian landscapes. What happened was that drops of paint were falling on him. Thus a replica landscape was being transposed onto his very person, from head to toe. Consequently, whenever he went out into the real Rome, he would merge into the background, camouflaged, as he was, by his own paint.
“‘Supernatural’ incidents were widely reported during this time, but they abruptly ceased on the very day, three years later, that Michelangelo had a bath.

“He found it very difficult to get served in shops, as people would assume he was part of the wallpaper. Thousands of innocent people were put to death on charges of witchcraft for insisting they had heard Michelangelo’s voice crying out ‘For Christ’s sake give me a pasty. I’m starving.’

“The wife of a nobleman found him relieving himself in her bathroom, but just assumed that her husband had decorated the walls and installed a water feature.
“At picnics, people were often startled by floating pork pies that appeared to eat themselves.

“Michelangelo tried to use this unusual ailment to improve his sex life. He found he was able to dispense with long, protracted courtships. All he had to do was to slip into the boudoir of any noblewoman or man, pretend to be a new duvet and wait for the said individual to slip underneath him. Unfortunately, he was often thrown out for being ‘too lumpy’ and washerwomen were always draping him over clothes lines and vigorously urging him back into shape with wicker blanket beaters.

“Eventually, the great artist concluded that he had enough of a life in laundry baskets, hungry with numerous fractures. He decided to come clean and had a bath.”

Professor Crust is also the author of the acclaimed ‘Van Gogh – The Missing Ear.’

Cartoons, caricatures and Humorous Writing by Simon Ellinas