Category: Detritus

Why, oh why?

By simonelli on Oct 24, 2009 in Authors, Detritus, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Humour, Issue2, Simon Ellinas, Why-oh-why?

Archive, issue 2, Jan 1995
WHY -OH-WHY do supermarkets use superglue to label their fruit?
WHY-OH-WHY do insurance salesman ring you up for ‘a little chat’ and then go on to try to sell you insurance?
WHY-OH-WHY is pornographic,lewd, sexist, racist and totally puerile humour classed as ‘adult’?
WHY-OH-WHY doesn’t the man on the Clapham omnibus get off?
WHY-OH-WHY doesn’t [...]

Disgraced MPs dress code

By Guy Carter on Oct 24, 2009 in Article, Authors, Detritus, Guy Carter, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Humour, Issue 5

Archives, issue 2, Jan 1995
Ref: Tory sex scandal, David Mellor and Antonia de Sancha
IN MORE ROBUST times than ours, any courtier who incurred the monarch’s displeasure was stripped of his finery, kitted out in sackcloth and ashes and paraded through the streets for the amusement of the commoners. From ‘His Grace’ to disgrace was but [...]

Clowns sue banana skins

By simonelli on Oct 24, 2009 in Detritus, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Humour, Issue2, Short Story, Simon Ellinas

Archive, amended from issue 2, Jan 1995
PARIS. A HISTORIC court action was started here this week. The plaintiffs are the French Association of Clowns who are accusing the defendants, Banana Skins of flasely masquerading as a comic device.
René Pou-Pou, the clowns’ spokesman explained:
“Eets incroyable. Pour trop longtemps ze skins de bananes avez a comic reputation [...]

Inventors concur

By Guy Carter on Oct 21, 2009 in Detritus, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Issue2

Archive, amended from issue 2, January 1995
NEW YORK. A historic agreemnet was reached here today between two of the greatest inventors of the twentieth century.
K. Edgar Hoover (younger brother to J. Edgar Hoover and elder brother to L. Edgar Hoover) and Lazlo Biro amicably agreed to swap tradenames for their respective products.
For years now, Mr [...]

Hotel Lobby

By simonelli on Oct 21, 2009 in Detritus

Archive, Issue 2, January 1995
ONTARIO. Mounted police had to ride in to break up a crowd of self-confessed loiterers who were picketing the city’s hotels.
Ernest Pickenheim, the group’s spokesman, said, “We want to form a lobby for hotel reception areas.”
Police arrested four men who were in breach of the Sense of Humour Act. A police [...]

Water On Moon

By Guy Carter on Oct 09, 2009 in Authors, Detritus, Featured, Guy Carter, Stop Press!

NASA’S SEARCH FOR water on the moon has stirred up the medical world no end. The space agency plans to blast the lunar surface with high explosive, and then take snapshots of the resultant dust cloud to see if any H2O has been coaxed out of hiding. This method is now being tested to help [...]

Why, oh Why?

By simonelli on Sep 22, 2009 in Authors, Detritus, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Issue 1, Simon Ellinas, Why-oh-why?

ARCHIVE. Amended from original in issue 1, September 1994.
WHY-OH-WHY do CD manufacturers gleefully design a container that automatically rips a lyric sheet to shreds wen you try to remove it?
WHY-OH-WHY do you find so much dog poo on the only path through a large field?
WHY-OH-WHY was Absolutely Fabulous such a success?

Block of Ice found in Watford High Street

By simonelli on Sep 22, 2009 in Authors, Detritus, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Humour, Issue 1, Simon Ellinas

ARCHIVE. Amended from original in issue 1, September 1994.
WEDNESDAY 27th JULY was a hot and clammy day. It was the sort of weather that persuades acres of waxy flesh to emerge from their wollen winter retreats. The elderly had even undone the top buttons of their thick winter coats.
Watford was awash with young Marlon Brandos [...]

Advertising Works!

By simonelli on Sep 22, 2009 in Authors, Detritus, Ha! Archives, Humour, Issue 1, Simon Ellinas

ARCHIVE. Amended from original in issue 1, September 1994.
ONLY THE OTHER day I was on my way to an important paper clip-bending meeting in London when I saw it.
“STOP! Bring all your dry cleaning here!” scrawled all over a dirty bit of cardboard in a sweet shop window.
Of course, I couldn’t pass up such a [...]