Category: Ha! History

What they said about the second issue of Ha!

By simonelli on Oct 24, 2009 in Authors, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Issue 3, Simon Ellinas

Archive, issue 3, March 1995
“What a wonderful idea!” – Miles Kington
“It’s funnier than Squib was.” – Tony Husband, cartoonist and former editor of Oink!
“Brilliant effort!” – Steve Way, ex-cartoon editor of Punch
“No” (in answer to four out of six questions on our questionnaire) – John Brown, publisher of Viz (so we must be doing something [...]

Why, oh why?

By simonelli on Oct 24, 2009 in Authors, Detritus, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Humour, Issue2, Simon Ellinas, Why-oh-why?

Archive, issue 2, Jan 1995
WHY -OH-WHY do supermarkets use superglue to label their fruit?
WHY-OH-WHY do insurance salesman ring you up for ‘a little chat’ and then go on to try to sell you insurance?
WHY-OH-WHY is pornographic,lewd, sexist, racist and totally puerile humour classed as ‘adult’?
WHY-OH-WHY doesn’t the man on the Clapham omnibus get off?
WHY-OH-WHY doesn’t [...]

Disgraced MPs dress code

By Guy Carter on Oct 24, 2009 in Article, Authors, Detritus, Guy Carter, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Humour, Issue 5

Archives, issue 2, Jan 1995
Ref: Tory sex scandal, David Mellor and Antonia de Sancha
IN MORE ROBUST times than ours, any courtier who incurred the monarch’s displeasure was stripped of his finery, kitted out in sackcloth and ashes and paraded through the streets for the amusement of the commoners. From ‘His Grace’ to disgrace was but [...]

Clowns sue banana skins

By simonelli on Oct 24, 2009 in Detritus, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Humour, Issue2, Short Story, Simon Ellinas

Archive, amended from issue 2, Jan 1995
PARIS. A HISTORIC court action was started here this week. The plaintiffs are the French Association of Clowns who are accusing the defendants, Banana Skins of flasely masquerading as a comic device.
René Pou-Pou, the clowns’ spokesman explained:
“Eets incroyable. Pour trop longtemps ze skins de bananes avez a comic reputation [...]

Inventors concur

By Guy Carter on Oct 21, 2009 in Detritus, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Issue2

Archive, amended from issue 2, January 1995
NEW YORK. A historic agreemnet was reached here today between two of the greatest inventors of the twentieth century.
K. Edgar Hoover (younger brother to J. Edgar Hoover and elder brother to L. Edgar Hoover) and Lazlo Biro amicably agreed to swap tradenames for their respective products.
For years now, Mr [...]

Latest Ha! Front Cover!

By simonelli on Oct 12, 2009 in Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Ha! Website Covers

Zoo-illogical Gardens

By simonelli on Oct 01, 2009 in Article, Authors, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Humour, Issue2, Simon Ellinas

ARCHIVE: Amended from Issue 2, January 1995
LONDON ZOO IS a good place to go if you want to look at animals. But then so are the Houses of Parliament or any tube train in the rush hour.
A visit to the zoo always raises suspicions that the animals are also looking at us.
Recently a crowd of [...]

Woody Allen: Without Feathers/Side Effects

By simonelli on Oct 01, 2009 in Authors, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Issue 5, Reviews, Simon Ellinas

ARCHIVE: amended from Issue 2, January 1995
WOODY ALLEN’S fame for extracting humour from the serious side of life is well-known. And in many of his films, humour is noticeably absent as he mines the darkest recesses of the human psyche and relationships.
So, a return to his earlier work, at a time when he was writing [...]

Hokey Cokey vs the Vatican

By simonelli on Sep 30, 2009 in Authors, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Humour, Issue2, Short Story, Simon Ellinas

ARCHIVE. Amended from original in issue 2, January 1995.
STRANGE-BUT-TRUE department: It appears that the world famous dance practiced in homes throughout Kilburn, the Hokey Cokey, has intersting origins.
Back in Reformation times, the jesters and satirists otherwise known as Protestants made up the dance to mock the Roman Catholics’ communion rites. The myriad movements, twists and [...]

Toilets explode all over Britain

By simonelli on Sep 30, 2009 in Authors, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Humour, Issue2, Short Story, Simon Ellinas

ARCHIVE. Amended from original in issue 2, January 1995.
AN ILL-JUDGED household tip on a TV home improvements show was blamed for the sudden wholesale destruction of thousands of the country’s toilets. Toilets in shops suffered a sudden retail destruction.
The programme’s suggested solution to nasty smells left in toilets was: “Simply light a match and those [...]

There’s no such thing as The Poetry Society

By Mark Kelly on Sep 25, 2009 in Authors, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Humour, Issue2, Mark Kelly, Poetry

ARCHIVE. Issue 2, January 1995.
(A conservative view of the literary arts)
THE POET SAYS your eyes are two limpid pools,
I think they’re more like puddles.
Th poet says your kisses taste like fine wine,
I think they’re more like Ruddles.
He thinks he’s a hopeless romantic,
I just think he’s hopeless.
He thinks he’s a visionary,
I think he’s just out of [...]

What they said about the first issue of

By simonelli on Sep 25, 2009 in Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Issue2

ARCHIVE. Issue 2, January 1995.
“I liked the odd use of capitals in ‘Video Nice-ies” – Neil Jones, Liverpool.
Thanks Neil; so DID wE.
“Ha! amused me!” – Martin Mason, London
“Anyone could enjoy Ha!” – Agraman, The Buzz, Cheshire.
“I liked Ofice Messages” – Jonathan Isaacs
“Maintain present theme and all should go OK!” – Frederick St George, Brighton.
Thanks Fred. [...]

The Master of Wisdom – Shoplifters will be enlightened

By Mark Kelly on Sep 25, 2009 in Authors, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Humour, Issue2, Mark Kelly, Short Story

ARCHIVE. Issue 2, January 1995.

THE WHEEL OF LIFE was wobbling as Mu Ling pushed his mortal trolley through the aisles of Infinity Superstores plc. He heard his Master’s voice echoing from within a freezer of frozen vegetables and discovered the learned one thrashing about in the peas and sprouts in search of the half-drunk can [...]

Nightmare at Primark!

By simonelli on Sep 24, 2009 in Article, Authors, Featured, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Humour, Issue 4, Simon Ellinas

ARCHIVE. Amended from original in issue 4, May 1995.
YOU’RE WALKING DOWN a crowded street and to your horror, you notice the people looking at you and laughing. They’re pointing at your nether regions and when you look down, you notice that you are not wearing anything but a skimpy sleeveless vest.
For an unfortunate few this [...]

Richard Ingrams of the Oldie

By Paul Baker on Sep 23, 2009 in Authors, Cartoons, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Humour, Issue2, Paul Baker

ARCHIVE. Issue 2, January 1995.

Ho-Ho-Scopes

By Guy Carter on Sep 23, 2009 in Authors, Guy Carter, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Ho-Ho-Scopes, Humour, Issue 4

ARCHIVE. Issue 4, May 1995.
Star Signs and Sex
Aries
You’re known as the Roger Bannisters of the bedroom. You’re quickest off he mark, but after four minutes of huffing and puffing you feel like you’ve run a mile!
Taurus
You’re turned on by the colour red and love strong silent types. Taureans have been known to conduct lengthy affairs [...]

A Cartoonist Writes…

By simonelli on Sep 23, 2009 in Article, Authors, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Humour, Issue 1, Simon Ellinas

ARCHIVE. Amended from original in issue 1, September 1994.
IS CARTOONING VIEWED as a ‘folk art’ along with macramé, pottery and morris dancing?
As a cartoonist I am often asked, “Why don’t you bugger off?” This is usually from prospective clients.
One receives the impression that cartoons are expected to be free, or at least, cheap.
The rejection [...]

Cod Zen

By Mark Kelly on Sep 22, 2009 in Authors, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Humour, Issue 1, Mark Kelly, Short Story

ARCHIVE. Issue 1, September 1994.

THE MASTER OF Wisdom was well-known to the authorities as the foremost proponent of the twin techniques of thoughtlessness and mindlessness. Released into the community, he was often visited by an eager young student called Mu Ling who had inwardly digested a copy of Zen and the Art of Marketing and [...]

Why, oh Why?

By simonelli on Sep 22, 2009 in Authors, Detritus, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Issue 1, Simon Ellinas, Why-oh-why?

ARCHIVE. Amended from original in issue 1, September 1994.
WHY-OH-WHY do CD manufacturers gleefully design a container that automatically rips a lyric sheet to shreds wen you try to remove it?
WHY-OH-WHY do you find so much dog poo on the only path through a large field?
WHY-OH-WHY was Absolutely Fabulous such a success?

Block of Ice found in Watford High Street

By simonelli on Sep 22, 2009 in Authors, Detritus, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Humour, Issue 1, Simon Ellinas

ARCHIVE. Amended from original in issue 1, September 1994.
WEDNESDAY 27th JULY was a hot and clammy day. It was the sort of weather that persuades acres of waxy flesh to emerge from their wollen winter retreats. The elderly had even undone the top buttons of their thick winter coats.
Watford was awash with young Marlon Brandos [...]