Category: Issue2

Why, oh why?

By simonelli on Oct 24, 2009 in Authors, Detritus, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Humour, Issue2, Simon Ellinas, Why-oh-why?

Archive, issue 2, Jan 1995
WHY -OH-WHY do supermarkets use superglue to label their fruit?
WHY-OH-WHY do insurance salesman ring you up for ‘a little chat’ and then go on to try to sell you insurance?
WHY-OH-WHY is pornographic,lewd, sexist, racist and totally puerile humour classed as ‘adult’?
WHY-OH-WHY doesn’t the man on the Clapham omnibus get off?
WHY-OH-WHY doesn’t [...]

Clowns sue banana skins

By simonelli on Oct 24, 2009 in Detritus, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Humour, Issue2, Short Story, Simon Ellinas

Archive, amended from issue 2, Jan 1995
PARIS. A HISTORIC court action was started here this week. The plaintiffs are the French Association of Clowns who are accusing the defendants, Banana Skins of flasely masquerading as a comic device.
René Pou-Pou, the clowns’ spokesman explained:
“Eets incroyable. Pour trop longtemps ze skins de bananes avez a comic reputation [...]

Inventors concur

By Guy Carter on Oct 21, 2009 in Detritus, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Issue2

Archive, amended from issue 2, January 1995
NEW YORK. A historic agreemnet was reached here today between two of the greatest inventors of the twentieth century.
K. Edgar Hoover (younger brother to J. Edgar Hoover and elder brother to L. Edgar Hoover) and Lazlo Biro amicably agreed to swap tradenames for their respective products.
For years now, Mr [...]

Zoo-illogical Gardens

By simonelli on Oct 01, 2009 in Article, Authors, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Humour, Issue2, Simon Ellinas

ARCHIVE: Amended from Issue 2, January 1995
LONDON ZOO IS a good place to go if you want to look at animals. But then so are the Houses of Parliament or any tube train in the rush hour.
A visit to the zoo always raises suspicions that the animals are also looking at us.
Recently a crowd of [...]

Hokey Cokey vs the Vatican

By simonelli on Sep 30, 2009 in Authors, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Humour, Issue2, Short Story, Simon Ellinas

ARCHIVE. Amended from original in issue 2, January 1995.
STRANGE-BUT-TRUE department: It appears that the world famous dance practiced in homes throughout Kilburn, the Hokey Cokey, has intersting origins.
Back in Reformation times, the jesters and satirists otherwise known as Protestants made up the dance to mock the Roman Catholics’ communion rites. The myriad movements, twists and [...]

Toilets explode all over Britain

By simonelli on Sep 30, 2009 in Authors, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Humour, Issue2, Short Story, Simon Ellinas

ARCHIVE. Amended from original in issue 2, January 1995.
AN ILL-JUDGED household tip on a TV home improvements show was blamed for the sudden wholesale destruction of thousands of the country’s toilets. Toilets in shops suffered a sudden retail destruction.
The programme’s suggested solution to nasty smells left in toilets was: “Simply light a match and those [...]

There’s no such thing as The Poetry Society

By Mark Kelly on Sep 25, 2009 in Authors, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Humour, Issue2, Mark Kelly, Poetry

ARCHIVE. Issue 2, January 1995.
(A conservative view of the literary arts)
THE POET SAYS your eyes are two limpid pools,
I think they’re more like puddles.
Th poet says your kisses taste like fine wine,
I think they’re more like Ruddles.
He thinks he’s a hopeless romantic,
I just think he’s hopeless.
He thinks he’s a visionary,
I think he’s just out of [...]

What they said about the first issue of

By simonelli on Sep 25, 2009 in Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Issue2

ARCHIVE. Issue 2, January 1995.
“I liked the odd use of capitals in ‘Video Nice-ies” – Neil Jones, Liverpool.
Thanks Neil; so DID wE.
“Ha! amused me!” – Martin Mason, London
“Anyone could enjoy Ha!” – Agraman, The Buzz, Cheshire.
“I liked Ofice Messages” – Jonathan Isaacs
“Maintain present theme and all should go OK!” – Frederick St George, Brighton.
Thanks Fred. [...]

The Master of Wisdom – Shoplifters will be enlightened

By Mark Kelly on Sep 25, 2009 in Authors, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Humour, Issue2, Mark Kelly, Short Story

ARCHIVE. Issue 2, January 1995.

THE WHEEL OF LIFE was wobbling as Mu Ling pushed his mortal trolley through the aisles of Infinity Superstores plc. He heard his Master’s voice echoing from within a freezer of frozen vegetables and discovered the learned one thrashing about in the peas and sprouts in search of the half-drunk can [...]

Richard Ingrams of the Oldie

By Paul Baker on Sep 23, 2009 in Authors, Cartoons, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Humour, Issue2, Paul Baker

ARCHIVE. Issue 2, January 1995.

Prince Nigel at Martindales

By simonelli on Sep 17, 2009 in Authors, Ha! Archives, Issue2, Simon Ellinas

ARCHIVE. Amended from original in issue 2, January 1995.

BEING BORN with a silver spoon in one’s mouth has its problems. For a start it’s a hellish borth experience for the mother. Especially if it’s a soup ladle. And it makes it so difficult to talk properly. But beyond these petty concerns, it makes you a [...]