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Category: Article
Lunatics run riot in asylum
TEMPERS WERE RUNNING high yesterday in Westminster's Lunatic Asylum. Daffy Dave was boasting about saving a lot of money, Goofy Gordon was calling him 'stupid' and another one was simply burbling incoherently in the corner. It's up to us to free these poor unfortunates from their torment. Apparently the first sign of madness is a [...]
Scream of Consciousness: Other People
1st March 2010 WALKING UP THE hill I go past many houses and a few blocks of flats. A multitude of unconnected strangers lead out their lives behind various constructs of brick, wood and tile. Other people’s lives have a mystery and glamour about them which make good stories. I have often seen, from a [...]
Scream of consciousness: Mirrors
By Gouders on Apr 07, 2010 in Article, Authors, Humour, Screams of Consciousness, Short Story, Simon Ellinas
JUST CAUGHT MYSELF writing a comment to someone’s blog. I caught myself just in time because it was going to be a negative comment. A whiney, moany, complainy sort of thing which, if you know me, you’ll know doesn’t really suit me. Gosh, that’s a lot of ‘I’s, ‘myself’s and ‘me’s in one paragraph. I’m [...]
Stinkfoot – The Musical by Viv and Ki Stanshall
THOSE OF YOU who arrived here as a result of Googling ˜Heavy Artillery”, ˜Hawaiian Airlines” or ˜Hydrocephalus Association” may discover they have little interest in the following. However, if, as I suspect, you are reading Ha! because you have a tendency toward word-for-word recitation of Monty Python sketches, the works of Milligan and Cook and [...]
Small Hard-On Collider
By HaMag on Apr 06, 2010 in Article, Authors, Humour, Leatherbarrows' Musings, News, Politics, Tim Leatherbarrow
BY TAKING THE most sub-human particles, which are MPs and the most sub-human being the main party leaders and firing them at each other at speeds faster than light (the speed of political blame). The colossal impact, as can be deduced from the equation E=MP2 will reduce the sub-human particles into smaller sub-human particles and [...]
Boris Blog #4
By Guy Carter on Feb 17, 2010 in Article, Authors, Boris Blog, Carter's View, Guy Carter, Humour, Politics
WHAT A WEEK! What IS all this leaking out of the Lubyanka? The Politburo has come up with a real corker this time. ‘Josef’ Brown has spotted a flaw in the First-Past-The-Post electoral system: the flaw being he won’t be able to continue as commissar after the morning of May 7th. No tea & biscuits [...]
BorisBlog! – 3
By Guy Carter on Feb 07, 2010 in Article, Authors, Boris Blog, Carter's View, Guy Carter, Humour, News, Politics
CRIKEY! SORRY TO exhume a theme given the BJ once-over in an earlier blog, but have you seen the latest opinion polls? Don’t bother! Horribile dictu, we’ve slipped into hung parliament terrain when we should be firmly in Tory hanging and flogging territory. By rights the Louts’ Party should be a diminishing dot in the [...]
Boris Blog – The Recession is over!
WELL, THAT’S THAT! We can crack open the Cava and spray each other like a triumvirate of F1 tax exiles prancing about on a podium. The recession, it seems, is over. Yes, my friends, it appears that the economy – whatever that was – has enlarged by a piddling nought-point-nought-piffling-one percent & that, yet again, [...]
That Chilcott Iraq War Enquiry Interview with Tony Blair – IN FULL!
CHILCOTT: Did you do anything wrong? BLAIR: No. CHILCOTT: I think that concludes our business here, gentlemen.
Boris Blog!
By Guy Carter on Jan 22, 2010 in Article, Authors, Boris Blog, Carter's View, Featured, Guy Carter, Humour, News, Politics
What-ho, peasants! Your Humble Bumbler here. I just thought I’d slope off from my Dick Whittington duties to dip the old quill in squid’s bile & pen a few thoughts about the impending arrival at your doorstep of complete strangers laying claim to the contents of your ballot slip. Yes, my friends. The Election That [...]
Disgraced MPs dress code
By Guy Carter on Oct 24, 2009 in Article, Authors, Detritus, Guy Carter, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Humour, Issue 5
Archives, issue 2, Jan 1995 Ref: Tory sex scandal, David Mellor and Antonia de Sancha IN MORE ROBUST times than ours, any courtier who incurred the monarch’s displeasure was stripped of his finery, kitted out in sackcloth and ashes and paraded through the streets for the amusement of the commoners. From ‘His Grace’ to disgrace [...]
I wish the moaning military would leave our brave politicians alone!
Frontline political reporting from Tim Leatherbarrow. RECENTLY TWO OF our brave ministers packed their summer gear and factor 300 suncream and flew out to meet ‘our boys’ on the front line (or about 30 miles behind it). While they were there bravely shaking hands with the troopers before dinner, one big-mouthed little swine blurted out: [...]
I Was an Amateur Thespian
IT’S A STRANGE hobby for a grown man. Not for me the sedentary delights of stamp collecting, train spotting or constructing model aeroplanes out of lollipop sticks. I spend my evenings and weekends larking about in draughty community halls, putting on make-up and humiliating myself in public. No, I haven’t joined Gordon Brown’s election campaign [...]
Zoo-illogical Gardens
By simonelli on Oct 01, 2009 in Article, Authors, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Humour, Issue2, Simon Ellinas
ARCHIVE: Amended from Issue 2, January 1995 LONDON ZOO IS a good place to go if you want to look at animals. But then so are the Houses of Parliament or any tube train in the rush hour. A visit to the zoo always raises suspicions that the animals are also looking at us. Recently [...]
Andrew Marr: How to make friends and influence Prime Ministers
NEW! Frontline political reporting from Tim Leatherbarrow. IT’S EASY. YOU sit our glorious leader down on a comfortable chair in a nice well lit room and with a smile on your oily BBC- trained face . You accuse the most powerful and useless man in the country of popping prescription drugs to ease the stress [...]
Nightmare at Primark!
By simonelli on Sep 24, 2009 in Article, Authors, Featured, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Humour, Issue 4, Simon Ellinas
ARCHIVE. Amended from original in issue 4, May 1995. YOU’RE WALKING DOWN a crowded street and to your horror, you notice the people looking at you and laughing. They’re pointing at your nether regions and when you look down, you notice that you are not wearing anything but a skimpy sleeveless vest. For an unfortunate [...]
A Cartoonist Writes…
By simonelli on Sep 23, 2009 in Article, Authors, Ha! Archives, Ha! History, Humour, Issue 1, Simon Ellinas
ARCHIVE. Amended from original in issue 1, September 1994. IS CARTOONING VIEWED as a ‘folk art’ along with macramé, pottery and morris dancing? As a cartoonist I am often asked, “Why don’t you bugger off?” This is usually from prospective clients. One receives the impression that cartoons are expected to be free, or at least, [...]