SCOTTISH BOOZE CRISIS: Salmon Addresses the Nation
Our Proud Nation is smitten by a tidal wave of cheap Sassenach booze which is sapping the very lifeblood of our economy.
We Scots are proud of our fine traditions especially our fearless consumption of alcohol, undertaken without any selfish regard for our own safety.
Such selflessness is the essence of our culture .
Every Scotsman's birthright is to be able to get kiltless any time he chooses.
God knows I love getting smashed as much as anyone but I, and many like me, get legless on traditional malt whisky with Drambuie chasers.
That's what I call responsible Scottish drinking.
My contribution to the economy is over £20 in taxes per session.
Even a Saturday night on the Sassenach urine only raises a measly £5!
It is my solemn duty to inform you all that it is a matter of days, yes days, before the cirrhosis units will be closing their doors across our Nation.
Picture the terrible scenes – Scots in the prime of their lives denied their inalienable right to see out their last days in communal wards alongside their mates.
This is the 21st Century for God's sake!
Drinkers of Scotland, remember one thing – Scottish alcoholics are the finest in the World!
You cannot, and I know you will not let your Nation go down the tubes by drinking cheap booze.
The future of our Infirmaries is in your hands.