By Piers Stasanewt
You're All Going To Die Correspondent
(LEFT: An average night in middle class suburbia.) EXTREME SPORTS FANS may favour bungee jumping, white water rafting or diving with sharks, but they do not know real danger like the middle class, middle aged residents of leafy suburbia.
The middle classes
• Drink wine
• Drive 4X4s down winding country lanes
• Fly in aeroplanes to disease-ridden locations 'off the tourist trail'
• Play polo with Prince Charles
• Own businesses in riot-sensitive areas
• Write scaremongering stories for the middle brow, middle class press
• Drink strong coffee
But mosht of all, they drink wine, which, as we know, we journalishts never touch, all of us being, to a man (and a woman if you are one), extreme teetotallers from strict Presbyterian backgroundsh.
Drinking a bottle every night is just sheer folly. Sheer folly, I shay. It'sh nowhere near enough. Three'sh the minimum followed by some brandy and a nice rum nightcap.
The editor of the Daily Mail? He'sh my beshtesht mate he ish.
Picture: Gin Lane (1751) by William Hogarth