To universal acclaim Cameron confirmed that the UK is also pulling out of Afganistan and Iraq, doing away with nuclear weapons, and finally ditching the ailing pound to join the euro.
The railways are to be re-built, with all the Beeching-stricken stations re-opening, and public transport will be completely free for the over-30s.
In a move that totally devasted the Labour opposition and Mr Clegg’s motley crew, the Prime Minister was also able to confirm the following.
• Petrol prices to be cut by 50%
• Energy prices to be cut by 45%
• Supermarket profits to be refunded to registered customers
• Students to be paid £3000 per annum for their university places with completely exam-free, guaranteed degrees at the end of only one year
• Boris Johnson to be made Minister of The Back Room Somewhere Out Of Harm's Reach
• Pigs will be issued with pilot licences
This statement was put out by the government’s new press officer, Mr Max Clifford, ably assisted by Mr Harry Hill.