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by Steve Holmes HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN how to tie your shoelaces? Don't worry. You are not alone. In this busy world of clouded multitasking with shiny plastic gadgets it's becoming all too easy to lose track of those essential basics without which no great leader can completely express their core and randomly distributed visions....
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THAT'S WHAT fat people do according to government health spokesperson Brian Box, pictured left. "Studies have shown that people who eat more are fatter than people who eat less," Mr Box said at a taxpayer-subsidised conference on Fat People and What They Should Do. "Also, people who get up out of their armchairs once...
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CRAG THUNDER, the world-famous survivalist and the man who once called Bear Grylls 'a girl', is facing the toughest challenge of his career. Having climbed Mount Everest single-handed TWICE and swum the length of the Amazon while dressed as Biffo the Bear, Crag came to international prominence when he jumped off the Eiffel Tower,...
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Cartoons by Tim Leatherbarrow
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TONY BLAIR IS the bastard who gave politics spin and made politicians almost trendy. He was always charming and smiling, ever ready to yank his tie off, ditch his jacket and roll up his shirtsleeves ready to get down and dirty when things got busy and there where plenty of cameras about. For Tony...
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THE HOUSE OF COMMONS was rocked by allegations about a politician who is suspected of telling the truth on at least one occasion. "A disgrace to our noble vocation" – Tony Blair "I hope he didn't inhale" – Bill Clinton "You couldn't make it up" – Jeffrey Archer "I'm turning in my grave"- Richard...
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IN AN ACT of defiance following his recent Court appearances, the Guv of the Bank of England, Ronnie King together with his twin brother Reg have thrown caution to the wind, along with £75 billion of other people's money. Speaking at a news conference at the Blind Beggar venue in London's fashionable Whitechapel, a...
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Cartoons by Simon Ellinas
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Caricatures and cartoons by Paul Baker
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OUR CONFERENCE CORRESPONDENT WRITES: IN A BLISTERING attack on the rest of the World, the Home Secretary, Theresa May, told the Tory Party Conference today that nobody other than thoroughbred British people have any right to a family life in a free society. "How can anyone who is not completely British possibly merit a...
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SCOTTISH BOOZE CRISIS: Salmon Addresses the Nation MY FELLOW SCOTS, I am speaking to you at a grave time. Our Proud Nation is smitten by a tidal wave of cheap Sassenach booze which is sapping the very lifeblood of our economy. We Scots are proud of our fine traditions especially our fearless consumption...
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SPORTS FROM THE BULL THE CURRENT RUGBY world cup has been very enjoyable with matches conveniently broadcast from New Zealand at 7 and 9 a.m, allowing coffee, eggs and bacon to be consumed and the needs of your family totally ignored. One feature has been the respect for national anthems (even the English) and...
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THE LATEST COMEDY double act to hit the screens has taken the nation by storm with "Two Eds Are Better Than One" blowing away audiences in Liverpool. Playing to rapturous applause from an admittedly partisan audience, Ed Miliband, the tall, ahem, good looking one without glasses joshes and banters with his straight man, the...
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BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD, ALBERT? Cartoons by Tim Leatherbarrow
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MEDICALSCIENCE WAS dumbfounded recently when an X-ray revealed what appears to be a human brain in Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi's penis. The search for Berlusconi's brain had been going on for some years but it was only recently that Doctors could conclusively end their search. "We were tipped off after the news that...
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Cartoonist Simon Ellinas
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NOT TO BE OUTDONE by the Conservative Chancellor George Osborne, Labour leader Ed Milliband received a whipping from several hundred members of the Trades Union Congress in London earlier this week. Cartoonist and caricaturist Simon Ellinas.
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Friday, May 24, 10:24 am
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Muammar Gaddafi 1942-2011 R.I.H.
THE DEATH HAS been announced of Corporal Muammar Gaddafi who died peacefully after a lifetime of service to his people which was conducted with his characteristic brand of honour and dignity. He was only 38, but, worn down by the responsibilities of providing generous welfare benefits for his subjects, he resembled a nonagenarian. A...
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